17, 1 more year before the legal age.

Going back to my last journal about how I gave up. Well I've actually found evidence that it was probably the better option than to actually convince myself that I was "good"...

Courtesy of BBC's news article of "Self-help 'makes you feel worse'" ([link]), new psychological research has shown that people with extremely low self esteem actually feel even worse when they say "I am good."

The theory behind is that, for people who have low self esteem, well um... they've never felt that they were "good" before. So the inability to comprehend and relate to the word "good" emotionally actually backfired when using one of the most widely accepted practises around the world. No...

Wonder... but, that doesn't fully apply to my case. I used to have an extremely high self esteem. According to the article, it worked best with individuals who felt good about themselves. But then I only felt the downhill ride when my ego was absolutely shattered to dust. So I guess nothing really fully applies to any other situation.

After all, Mao changed Marxist's theory and rallied farmers from villages instead of workers from factories to bring about the successful uprising of the Communist Party. Rules change according to play.

I just read an article from the Chinese equivalent to Readers Digest, Du Zhe (which directly translates into Reader) about how how we talk influences our life.

For those who always say "Okay" "No Problem" "There's always a solution to every problem", they usually are the most successful as they have a positive attitude to facing challenges.

For those who always say "Mannn, I always don't have enough money", half the time they are poor. Poor because they aren't happy about the current financial situation and spending too much time whining than making corrections.

That made me thinking. That's just like psychological hinting. I'm not too sure if I'm using the correct psychology terminology, cause I'm directly translating the term from Chinese. It's a phenomena where when you constantly repeat to yourself that you are "...", then you eventually believe that you are "..." and then act as if you are "..." and eventually become "..." Now people are wondering why propaganda and constant brainwashing is so effective. Advertisements in particular, you get exposed to it enough (not the 3 times in a row bombardment, that just makes you sick of the product and company), you'll eventually take notice of the company. Might not be their customer immediately, might not even be aroused to buy their product. But pretty much guaranteed they are on top of your priority list when you're baffled with the freedom of choice.

I remember when I talked to my school counselor, the theory was also mentioned throughout our conversations. Suggestion I got was to literally shake my head and say "No, I am not X, I am Y" whenever I got a thought from the devil. Funny how I got that advice like 7 months ago, and it's not really working. I've tried, now I've pretty much given up. Mentally too tired to put up a fight.

I remember how the cycle was like, once a month. Even had a silly thought that I would kick ass in the beginning of the year. The urge to achieve my objectives was driven by hatred. Very stupid, cause that rush could push the wooden canoe down the stream very fast, but could also flip the canoe upside down. Once I flipped upside down, never really got the chance to set the canoe back correctly by myself. Then the cycle shortened, once a week. When I went to have a little chat with my school counselor, once a day. Christmas, once per hour.

And the cycle was that I kept having a rush to say "Your such a f-ing ..." Funny how I never address myself as "I am such" but speak as if I'm not even myself. It's very interesting to see the two sides of the mind battle it out. And well, you can probably guess who was always on the winning side the majority of the time with my cycles. Nowadays the cycle isn't that bad, but it gets worst during holidays. The effort in studying to the extent of numbness and headaches gets me through the cycles, cause I'm too physically unwell and occupied to think. Nowadays the cycle is approximately once per two to three days.

I'm not really going to complain, cause it's nowhere near the degree of seriousness and intensity to Christmas Holidays. Funny how I look back, I managed to put up a smiling happy show for my sister from another mother (SFAM) and homies during our Christmas hangout. I don't even enjoy hangouts, but they didn't notice, until I told my SFAM that I was going through one of the lowest of lows and didn't enjoy at all. She was shocked and thought I was happy because of my laughter. They say pretending to be a loving couple is the easiest acting in public, I say pretending to be happy comes second.

But despite the fact that during my "put up a show" periods where I constantly tell myself and convince myself that I am happy in that moment, it doesn't really sink in to the level of psychological hinting. That being said, if how you talk really determines your life, then I guess my life will end up to nothingness. One of the comments I got from my homeroom teacher on my end of year report card was "quiet". I show no apparent approach to life, how the heck am I going to achieve anything with my quietness?

So sad. Eminem remains my most favourite rapper, but despite his hit albums after albums of songs, Relapse just got to be the one I can relate to emotionally the most.

Yes, 'Till I Collapse, Lose Yourself, Sing For The Moment, The Way I Am, Guilty Conscience, When I'm Gone, Mockingbird, Like Toy Soldier, Yellow Brick Road, The Real Slim Shady, Without Me, My Name Is, We Shine, Role Model, Cleanin Out My Closet, and Rabbit Run. All classical hits, and I am ashamed to say that there are probably more classics I haven't heard of yet from him.

But I don't know about you, you can really see Marshall Mathers just spilling his guts out in this album. Talking directly about the addiction and the drugs, the emotions associated with it and how it hovered over his entire daily life. It's just incredibly sad man.

Okay yes, there are some "WTF?" songs that really screw the album up, and I don't even need to mention which one of those are... think back to the songs when he came back in 1999 and you'll get the idea.

But then, even when he talks about his doppelganger killing, I can somehow relate to it. It's just very weird, cause it's a very disturbing song written in a beautiful way. Constant internal rhymes and multiple syllable rhyming, the kind of rhyming structure you expect from him. Even when he disses his mom in My Mom, it's very understandable despite the irrationality behind it.

I've never taken drugs before, but I've definitely experienced some of the emotions and experiences expressed from the album. It's so sad when you see critics just flaming the album, cause yes, what they say are true, but the reason why they are dissing the album so badly is because they've never expected someone as "strong" as Eminem would present an album they cannot completely relate to. There are many people who have lost close ones, fell to addiction of any sort, and then got depressed about being depressed, depressed about life, depressed about themselves and everyone around them. But the probability of the review critics experiencing all of that is slim, cause then we would have one heck of a messed up world.

I'll remain tight lipped about why I feel so emotionally associated with his newest album, but with soaking up his album so painful emotionally, I don't know I'll be able to really take it when his Relapse 2 comes out... A more horrific Eminem? I shudder to think.

*Can't change my "mood", the emoticon menu takes too long to load

I lost my artistic side since what happened on June 1st 2008. Lost passion in photography, lost passion in drawing. Thought I would lose it forever... But I enjoyed myself greatly when I was visiting MOMA (Museum of Modern Arts) and other art museums in New York. Guess that was a glimpse of some life left.

I don't think it's back, at least not fully back. The day I realised I sucked at photography and art was a great learning step for me. A big leap in terms of growing up. I was a nobody. The rule to modesty is not to say you are nothing, but to believe that you are nothing after bowing down to the beauty of everything. I think I was struggling and stuck with the saying part all this time, but I guess I'm reaching that level where I truly believe I'm just a speck of dust in this wonderful world.

So cheesy, I know. But the day I stumbled across Alephunky's gallery, the passion re-ignited. I seemed to be enlightened on the direction I was going to move towards. My nerves were already twitching after watching Benjamin Hoong (juggernaut-4)'s TOK presentation, all I needed was a knock that kick started everything again.

I've learned so much this past year. Rather painful I must admit, and have added much too much dosages of pessimism to my already existing pessimistic view. I doubt I'm over the hill yet, but at least I feel much much better, and sense that I'm ready to express my passion for art once again.

I still remember my sister (mwink) once saying "magic is creating a world beyond the ordinary. everyone has a universe of their own inside. art is a peek of what that space holds, and even lets us dive into somebody else's realm altogether. in that sense, we're all magicians. art is more than beauty, it's something more fantastic."

So true.